#principles #relations #self #personal-development #habit-1
idea
The first of the 7 habits was personal responsibility: you are the only one who can make things happen for yourself, you are responsible for yourself. In that sense "Let them" is the reciprocal principle that I had been missing: you are not responsible for others.
It is less cold than it sounds: it doesn't mean you shouldn't help or care for others, but simply that you can't control them, or control their emotions. So "let them". Instead focus on what you can control: you: "let me".
The book is a declination of the idea on several aspects:
- You can't control what others will think of you, or do to you. Instead, take action and change what needs to be.
- You can't control other's emotions. Don't do things because it will make others happy, do them because it makes you happy. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do things you don't feel like doing: you do bothering things because they make you feel like a good child, or like a good citizen, or a good friend, etc. Don't avoid confrontation because you fear of other's emotions, instead let them have these emotions.
- You can't control your emotions, so let them and focus on how you react to them. Wait 90s, let it go through you.
- Jealousy is a signal of what you desire. Let people be successful ("lead the way"), and your jealousy guide you towards action.
- Friends come and go, if they drift away or exclude you or don't call you back, let them. Instead, "let me" be approachable and warm and do the first step to make new, better friendships. Mixed signals aren't mixed at all, they're very clear. People are friends because of proximity, timing and energy. If they drift away, ask yourself if one thing changed.
- You can't force people to become your friend or to like you. Let them show you their personality. Let me find better friends. (same goes for dating).
- You can't change people, you must let them be themselves. You can inspire them, you can share what you'd like, but you can't force them into change. Forcing change only introduces resistance to change.
- People need to address their struggle (addiction, anxiety, depression, job loss, ...) themselves. Avoidance is a coping strategy that prevents people from moving on. Enablement is what others do to allow avoidance. When you enable people, you're preventing them from moving on. Instead, be supportive, create an environment that helps them.
- When something in your marriage becomes an issue, you need to address it together. Relations work when both people want it to work, and are ready to put in the work. Discuss problems with your partner, see if this is something they are willing to work on. If the problem cannot be surmounted, something needs to change: either it's a deal breaker and you need to make a decision and let me, or it's not and you need to shut up about it and let them.
- When in heartbreak, your nervous system is still in habit of the other person. You need to let them go, and clean your habits from them. Avoid recontacting or seeing them for 30 days, change things in your life to get out of the habit.