#psychology #parenting

idea

anxiety

Anxiety is an automatic response system. Body is reacting (heart, digestion, sweat). When in a threatening situation it's good, but when it's a false alarm it is less useful.

Anxiety is triggered by fear. It's an alarm response. Some children have a more sensitive alarm. Goal is not to get rid of anxiety but reset the threshold.

Giving anxiety a name

Helping the child externalize their fear by making it something external.

Give it a name: the worry bully, the anxiety monster, etc. Especially with younger children.

1. They're not their anxiety
2. We're on the same team against that anxiety
3. We can fight back

Anxiety goes down on its own

Thoughts <> Feelings <> Actions

Random thoughts trigger feelings of fear, and drive to act.

The default strategy to deal with anxiety is avoidance: avoiding what triggers anxiety. Also looking for too much reassurance.

What are some thoughts, actions and feelings you see from your child when he's anxious.

• Thoughts
  • They're gonna laugh about me
• Actions
  • Negotiate
  • Doesn't move
  • Threats
  • Goodnight kiss
• Feelings
  • Crying
  • Screaming

Specific anxieties:

• Separation
• General worries
• Social worries
• Specific fears
• OCD
• Selective mutism

Types of worries

Some children have a lot of worries about anything. Going to a new place, party, etc.Imagine worst case scenarios. Want certainty about what is going to happen. Want perfection in what they do, procrastinate because of that. Black and white about following rules, terrible things might happen if breaking rules. Having tolerance for uncertainty is important.

Children can also have social worries, about people making fun of them, etc. Different from being shy in that it's long term. Children with social worries learn that it's easier to avoid social situations than having to deal with the worries.

Separation anxiety: worry about something bad happening to you or them while you're away.

Specific fears: spiders, .... Many are common, but specific fears are problems when they get in the way of a children's life. Refuse to go out because afraid of bees.

OCD - need to keep watching hands, do things in a certain order, etc. Repetitive thoughts that become obsessions. Feelings and worries. This triggers behaviors to reassure themselves and make the feeling go away. These are compulsions.

Selective mutism. Children who don't want to talk with stranger. Usually they end up opening. Selective mutism is children who tend not to talk in unfamiliar settings.

Parent Management

Parenting a challenging child can be tiresome, you can feel like you are never off shift

Take care of basic needs to begin with. Dealing with anxiety is hard enough on its own. Kid needs:

• Healthy eating
• Exercising
• Sleeping
• Balance between scheduled activities and lots of free time to play
• Quality time with parents

An important first step to addressing kids' anxiety is to put on your own oxygen mask. Parents need the same.

[[pyramid of needs]]

Team up

You might have different approaches. Tough-love: force kids through anxiety. Rescue parent: help kids avoid anxious situations. What happens often in families is that parents are often in opposite categories, partly as reaction. Finding a middle ground and teaming up.

Approach:

1. Find common ground.
2. Talk through the steps.

Validate child's emotion, communicate confidence in child. Be united. Set clear and consistent expectations (today, we will x. Don't ask questions).

Get more people in your team. Involve everyone he's involved with: daycare, gym, ...

Share leadership: let the other one take the lead sometimes.

Stay calm

Kids' reactions can trigger a range of reactions from parents: anger, anxiety, frustration, helplessness. It's easy to let these emotions drive us. It's normal.

It's important to stay calm in front of child's anxiety. They take their cue on how to react from parent.

How to stay calm:

1. Take time to settle. Pause and take a few breathes.
2. Remind yourself anxiety is a false alarm
3. Remember a few improvements of your child
4. It will get better.

When responding: use regular volume and neutral tone, eye contact, short sentences. Give anxiety a name "worries are really loud". Use distractions away from anxiety. Small steps instead of focusing on end goals (have a look rather than go to the class).

Pay attention to bravery (ignore -, praise +)

When kids feel anxious they display big behaviors. When we pay attention to behaviors, they tend to increase. E.g. if responding to whining, screeming, etc, with attention, hugs, etc, they tend to increase. The best is to ignore these behaviors, and instead pay attention to the good behaviors.

Ignore minor, irritating, uncooperative, avoidance behaviors (e.g. clinging, using baby talk, not cooperating, demanding, screaming, whining...)

How to ignore:

• stay silent
• look away
• stay calm
• turn your back and leave the area

You're not ignoring child but behavior

Give a lot of praise when acting brave. Positive reinforcement (see Provide feedback).

Negative behaviors will get worse before they get better. Stick with it and be consistent.

There are behaviors that can't be ignored. Then of course act.

Model bravery

Let your kid see you be brave when seeing something that scares you.

Reduce accommodation

Accommodation can become a pattern that never goes away. It doesn't help the child overcome their anxiety.

Reduce accommodation step by step by letting them know they can cope with hard stuff.

• Don't provide too much re-assurance, because we don't want to give anxiety too much importance.
• Don't change your routine to accommodate child's anxiety.
• Allowing child to avoid

Make a plan, pick a single target. Be ready for the push back. Stay calm, consistent, on the same page. Inform your child.

Pulling back on reassurance: use question tickets, beyond these you cant. Have prizes (no sweeping for a week for x tickets) so that tickets are worth something and they need to save them

Accommodation about

• General worries: constant reassurance about everything, lots of info about everything. Avoidance is on unfamiliar and new stuff. Give them warning, and explain the plan. "Don't let worry boss you"
• Social worries. Avoidance is ordering for them because they are afraid, staying with them, overplanning. Question tickets. Tell them they have to order themselves, let them know, ... Stand your ground
• OCD. Build tolerance for things they've been avoiding
• Specific fears - bees, storms, of a dog, ... Ignore some of the anxieties. Be clear. Support, but give opportunity to become familiar with fear
• Separation anxiety - build the "brave muscle", ignore their stupid face. Tell them that you won't let the worry bully boss you around
• Selective mutism -

Exposure

Expose child to their anxiety in a way that helps them build confidence

If you let kids stay away from scarry situations, what they will remember is the fear. If they stay in the situation, they get used to it and will realize it ain't so bad.

Pick a target and work on it.

Bravery ladders

• Start with a very simple version of it.
• Give rewards all along the way
• Small increments.
• Keep kids aware of the plan. What is coming after. When young you don't have to tell all the steps because it can be overwhelming
• Be sure on the resources we have (e.g. a friendly neighbour if kid is working on talking with stangers)

Rewards are there only as a temporary support

• Be clear on what they need to do to earn the reward
• reward now, not later
• make it special (it's the only way to get the reward)
• no take backs
• reward the effort, not the outcome

Have backup plans and fold onto a smaller step if necessary

Tips

• Stay calm and focus on the bravery, not the anxious behavior (give praise)
• Avoid entering the game. If child is asking question, answer once calmly, then state that you already answered.
• Face their real fear. Get them to stop doing their safety behavior (e.g. looking away is fine when practicing saying hi, but it's a safety behavior and you want the child to look at people in the end)

Examples of ladders:

• 7-year-old with fear of uncertainty (or “not knowing”).
• 9-year-old with fear of breaking rules.
• 11-year-old worried about making mistakes.
• 8-year-old who is afraid of talking to kids in class.
• 10 year old worried about other children laughing at him at a birthday party
• 12-year-old with fears of giving a presentation in class.
• 3-year-old afraid of toilets flushing.
• 11 year old talking to the teacher.
• Ordering hot chocolate – 6 year old.

anti anxiety lifestyle

• Practice bravery, especially on the things that caused them anxiety.
• Independence steps, make sure they continue growing.
• No avoiding
• Keep calling anxiety by name

resources

[1]: CPTK module 1

[2]: CPTK module 2

[3]: CPTK module 3

[4]: CPTK module 4

Summary